I hate your face
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You are the jesus of drinking
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
