WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
