Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
