you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
