my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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