You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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