Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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