So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
