What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
