Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
