I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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