I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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