You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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