I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
