Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
