when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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