You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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