woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
