i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
