well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
