I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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