Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
