We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
