My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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