They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"