i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?