Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.