I think I died a long time ago.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
