everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Everclear isn't food dammit
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.