I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
