I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
