Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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