hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
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I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
false alarm, still single
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