Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
