I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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