I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Randomize
