Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
