I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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