I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
