Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
