if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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