2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
