some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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