You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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