Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
