I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
