I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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