her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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