oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
