Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
