I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
