Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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