Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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