Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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