don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
