god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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