Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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