You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
