you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
